Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Tagged...


It could have been worse...


Good grief, I just love it when Diana gets all tanked up on Raspberry Coladas and Mudslides and comes up with things for me to do. On the other hand, it could be worse and she could have asked me to balance the cheque book or some other equally ridiculous task.

Apparently, I’ve been tagged. What does tagged mean? It means I get to make up outrageous lies about me, my family and people I otherwise like. Some of these answers are the God’s honest truth; other answers are pure, unadulterated bullshit. Have fun figuring out which is which…

10 years ago: I was in the hospital with yet another episode of pre-natal bleeding. I was pregnant with Oneida, praying to God that this pregnancy would make it, that I’d finally be a momma and that Brian and I wouldn’t know the heartbreak of another lost child.

5 years ago: Absolutely nothing significant in my life happened so this is where I get to make something up. I think I should have some fantastic adventure to relate to my great-grandchildren, so I’ve decided that it was the summer of 2000 when Brad Pitt threw himself at me and begged me to run away to Paris with him. Naturally, I declined and in his sorrow, he married that Jennifer chick and you all see how well that worked out… I also lost about 50 lbs and wrote the great Canadian novel that I was far too modest to publish. And did I mention that whole cold fusion thing I invented? Well, it kind of went by the wayside while I was developing the cure for cellulite...

One year ago: We were camping in Kouchibouqac National Park in New Brunswick, doing some cycling. I also tried to create some job openings in the City of Fredericton by nearly drowning three of my colleagues in a bizarre rowing accident during our very first lesson. The poor little girl coaching my tribe of fat-assed misfits was traumatized for the duration of the summer and is probably still in therapy. The rowing club decided she was way too nice for us and assigned someone who just laughed at us when we were stupid. It was a great summer.

Yesterday: I slept. I worked nights and in spite of the fact that it was approximately a bazillion degrees Celsius, I slept. I got up once, decided it was too hot for humanity and went back to bed and, you guessed it, I slept. And right now, for the record, I could use a nap. I also worked on my Faux Russian Lace stole and have a vague glimmer of a hope that I will manage to get one error free repeat of this pattern done before I reach retirement. I’m not holding my breath on that one.

Today: I knit more on the Faux Russian Lace Stole. I will rip back everything I knit last night and two additional rows for good luck. I worked. I plan to sleep. I also broke a nail.

Tomorrow: Liz and Kids and Me and Kid are loading up the picnic basket and the Honda and heading out for Saint Andrews, NB. We’re going to Cricket Cove yarn shop, Kingsbrae Botanical Garden, the Huntsmans Marine Laboratory. We won’t even consider stopping at Briggs & Little Woolen Mill. Not me. Not Liz. No, that won’t happen. Honest. Well, if the kids beg hard enough, I suppose we could consider it. I hate to deny the little darlings.

You do realize that this is entirely Diana’s fault. She’s the one who mentioned ‘stash busting’ in a public forum and now we’re all doomed to increase the size of the stash by a minimum of 13%. Send the bills for the yarn purchases and therapy to Diana.

5 Snacks I enjoy: I don’t snack. Snacks have the annoying property of interfering with my capacity to consume booze. If I’m consuming mindless calories, I’m going to drink them instead -- besides, in interests of better health and my cholestrol levels, all my drink choices have zero fat grams. I‘m such a good girl. So my top 5 choices are single malt whiskey (Balvenie Double Wood, Aberlour, or Glen Dronach are particularly favourites); Tanquaray Gin and Tonic (quinine to prevent malaria), Alexander Keith’s India Pale Ale, and Bloody Caesars for the lycopine content. In cases of environmental extremes, like the weather we are currently NOT enjoying, I will make an exception for home made ice cream. Technically, it’s not a snack. It’s a dairy serving.

5 Bands or Singers I know the lyrics to most of their songs: Lyle Lovett, Great Big Sea, Stomping Tom Connors, Tom Waits and Monty Python. And the Who. I know that’s more than 5, but you expect me to edit that list?

Things I would Do with $1, 000, 000 – well, by current agreement and conditions of the marriage contract, half goes to Brian, who quits his real job and takes up the full time employment of trying to keep me from spending his half. My half, well that goes AWOL fairly fast. It wouldn’t take me too long to find someone who needed money worse than I do. After all these years, Brian’s used to it.

5 Locations I would love to run away to: The Canadian Yukon, because it was my mother’s unrealized dream destination and because I have a long standing fascination with the ecology of Beringia; Lake Turkana in Kenya because I would like to walk upon the shores that nurtured humanity when we were still an infant species; the Champs d’Elysee for the final day of the Tour de France, preferably the year Tyler Hamilton wins it after having exonerated himself because there is no revenge sweeter than success; the northern most reaches of Scotland because it’s impossible to understand a people until you understand the geography that shapes them and I wish to better understand the people I come from; Newfoundland because I’ve never been there and I’d like to see the oldest rocks on earth.

5 bad habits I have: I have no bad habits. I mean, other than my overwhelming sense of modesty. I prefer to think of my little irksome quirks not so much as ‘bad habits’ but as well-earned and ought to be savoured “vices“. I was far too much good girl to have a sordid past but I’m hoping for at least a semi-shocking, peri-menopausal breakdown before careening into an absolutely scandalous old age of debauchery, preferably drinking doubles and cavorting with cabana boys. Oh, come on, I’ve earned it…

5 things I like doing: Sleeping frequently heads the list but right now, I’m good in that department. I like being with la famille -- I’ve grown rather fond of them. Oneida cracks me up. She’s getting funnier by the day. Solving all the problems of the world with Liz. Knitting and other funky fibre related things. Writing this blog and I’m going to be really smaltzy and swarmy here…I love my job. I know, that's one sick sycophantic suckup statement, except my boss doesn’t read this ‘Blog.

5 things I would never wear: Okay, I’ve made all the fashion faux pas that one person is allowed to make in a lifetime. How about the list of things I will never wear AGAIN? combat boot and fatigues -- I did my stint in Her Majesty‘s Loyal Service and I thank you for it but no need for a repeat engagement; Speedo swimsuit - I hate them when I was a competitive swimmer and since I‘ve fluffed up considerably since we won‘t even go there; 4 inch stilletto heel pumps, even if they are Italian leather and they’re so gorgeous that they make me drool ; Maternity clothes -- love the kid, would have taken the full dozen had the Good Lord in Heaven Above been willing but let’s face it, I’m 42 years old and the thoughts of 2 am feedings and schlepping a little bundle of joy into a carseat gives me night sweats.

5 TV Shows that I like: murder, mayhem, chaos, and perennial nastiness… count me in for CSI: Crime Scene Investigations (the original Los Vegas version), Law & Order, the BBC Crime movies: Dalziel and Pascoe, Inspector Morse, Touch of Frost and Mid Somerset Murders. For the record, I was never an Agatha Christie fan. Hercules Periot is a pompous arse and Miss Marple really should have got laid more often. Yeah, I know -- I’m so going to Hell for that last crack.

5 Movies I Like: hmmmmmmmmm always a hard category for me since I so rarely watch the damn things. Lion in Winter remains my all time favourite of any genre. Most recently, I watched Coach Carter and liked it. Calendar Girls was good. My ass is still numb from watching that Lord of the Rings thing. The only thing more tedious than the second Lord of the Rings movie was the second Lord of the Rings book.

5 Famous People I would like to meet: The problem with famous people is that I secretly suspect that 99% of them are total horses arses who are totally uninterested in learning all about the ever-fascinating and all-compelling moi…Okay, just for one minute, we will pretend this is not all about me… Eleanor of Aquataine, just because she’s about the coolest, ass-kicking-est woman in all of recorded Western history; Florence Nightingale, for her contributions to statistical methodology; Dr. Frederick Banting for the discovery of insulin, Dr. John Snow for his founding of modern epidemiology, and Dr. Bill Bass for his contributions to the development of modern forensic anthropology. … Ok, now by show of hands, how many of you out there didn’t know I’m a science geek?? Fooled ya, didn’t I? You thought it was all shiny, shiny, Princess Bling-Bling, didn’t ya?

5 Biggest Joys in my Life at this Moment: Diana had to go ruin it for the rest of us by naming her family members…what a suck up that woman is…so in keeping with the established theme that none of us now dare to deviate from…Brian, my loving hubby, Oneida the wonder Kid, and the bestest friend ever, Liz Haines.

Okay, enough with the sentimental schmaltz … Arsenal Football Club because they finally flogged that total Pain in the Ass poser, not fit to call himself captain, badge kissing hypocrite Patrick Vieira -- Lord, I’m glad to see the arse end of that thing heading out the door. Good luck to you, you dumb ass.

And just because it’s July -- what list would be complete without mention of the spectacle that is the Tour de France. Kudos to all the American cyclists (it’s more than just Lance, you know) who get absolutely no respect at home for their accomplishments.

5 Favourite Toys: my knitting machine, my bike, my digital camera, this computer and the cocktail shaker. You will all note that the following did not make the cut on this list: vacuum cleaner, dust rag, mop, dishcloth.

Fruitcakes and Liz, you’ve been tagged. Talk at the rest of you’se laters; thanks for reading.

4 Comments:

At 3:17 PM, July 21, 2005, Blogger Diana said...

I am still laughing. Can't ya hear me? I just want you to know that in 1997 Brad Pitt and I were an item. I was with him on the set when he filmed "Seven Years in Tibet" and that's why I knit for the Dulaan project. I got tired of Brad and moved on. He wanted a family, and I just couldn't go through it again! Sounds like you had him shortly after I did.

 
At 10:20 PM, July 21, 2005, Blogger Dudleyspinner's Tie Dye Rovings said...

To decipher the truth from fiction, that is the question. Whether it is nobler to tell lies so outragious that they are obvious, or suble enough to be believed by the naive?

(did you ever notice that Evian, the bottled water, is naive spelled backwards?)
Deb

 
At 11:04 PM, July 21, 2005, Blogger Liz said...

Diana you hussy, what were you doing with MY Brad ?????!! Sure I was home nursing a baby and renovating a house board by hundred year old board, while you were cavorting with my beloved.sheesh

 
At 1:10 AM, July 22, 2005, Blogger Liz said...

oh yeah, how is my tag gonna be different? Arsenal comments aside, ya took two of my famous people!!!!!. and two of my places to visit.excuse me???? you my dear are causing me to regroup and find someone and somewhere else. good thing you have the friend thing goin for ya!!!!oh- by the way, I can so totally help you spend the other half of that million. I vote Brian as chief babysitter. I will supply the diet coke and doritos.

 

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